Promise Keeping

We are trying to teach our kids to keep promises by modeling that behavior. We keep promises and show them how much they like when we keep promises. We also say "A rule for me is a rule for you".

If they make a promise and break it, we say "Oh, so the new rule is now 'we don't have to keep our promises'?" They seem to understand that if they get to break promises, I get to break my promises.

Neither of us want that. So I have been making my life very inconvenient lately to keep all of my promises, even to the point of having a music lesson at 11:00 PM just before an early plane flight. As I build a repertoire of kept promises, I will have a greater bounty to draw upon when remind my child of a promise.

I love it because I don't have to enforce my will on my kids. I just remind them of their will and my previous commitments to my own word. It sets a standard for myself that I already see benefiting my unconscious and my opinion of myself. We'll see how it goes.

Brief Comments On Tribalism

When we feel afraid we are more likely to turn to the tribe for protection. Our fear has shut down our critical thinking to divert resources to survival. This kept our ancestors alive for eons.

Remember the increase of patriotic sentiment just after 9/11? That was a perfect demonstration of the human instinct to turn to the tribe for a sense of safety in a dangerous environment.

There are specific chemicals released in our brain when we get confirmation of our acceptance in the tribe. Have you ever gotten chills or felt strong emotion singing the national anthem at a sporting event? That is oxytocin, the bonding chemical. It's the same chemical released in mother and baby while breastfeeding. It is the trust chemical. It is the safety chemical.

Look at the tribes that exist in the modern world. Countries, religions, sports teams, cliques, political parties, race, class, etc. Though some good comes from them, tremendous evil can be done in their name. Humans will do things they consider evil for the sake of retaining tribal membership. Unjust wars, suicide bombing, covering up pedophile priests, covering up pedophile football coaches, the steubenville rape case, lynchings: all of these happened or were allowed to happen because of tribal instincts.

More on this later

We are safe, but our bodies don't believe us

Our bodies are trying to keep us safe from enemies that no longer exist.

Our bodies use ancient alarm systems to keep us on the path to reproduction.

We hear these alarm systems any time we experience emotion.

These alarms are much louder than they need to be.

To quiet the alarms, we can alter our perception of the world through reason and evidence.

This will prevent us from unnecessarily fatiguing our biological survival alarms, because we may actually need them someday!

Why is this important? Humans are a social species. If one human feels unsafe, his close associates have evolved to detect that feeling and resonate with it. Our emotions are contagious. Those with incorrect views about the worlds safety are unknowingly leaving a wake of unconcious anxiety wherever they go. They leave no one feeling safer, and this leads us to think there is a predator about. When we  cant find one, we assume they are hiding just out of our vision. This is a stressful way to live, and leaves us open to actual predators who seek to exploit us for our inexplicable fears.

This is why I am focusing on raising my kids to see the world as a safe place. Perceived safety tells the body that it is safe to dedicate resources to the critical thinking part of the brain. This transcends tribal identity as well as individual survival instincts. Individuals are more rational and in control than tribal groups. The world needs less tribes and more individuals. Fear activates "survive" at the expense of "thrive".

Parents are environmental cues for their kids. Are you a worried parent? Your kid will be worried. Are you angry as a parent? Your kid will be angry. Are you at peace with yourself and accepting of the variety of human experience? Your kid will be all those things as well.

Send your kids peaceful signals, and they will adapt for reality. This is the most peaceful and magnificent time in the history of humanity. Don't lie to your kids explicitly or implicitly by sending signals that the world is unsafe.

To summarize:

We are safe. Predators are few and far between. Raise your children accordingly and they will thrive. Remind yourself regularly and you, too, will thrive.